A little over a week ago, I was gifted a tremendous gift. Shock overtook me and I burst into tears which continued throughout the day. It was something that I needed, what the gift was is of no importance at the moment, not so much as the reaction to the gifting. I would have eventually provided myself with said item. It will make my life so much easier.
The generosity of two strangers overwhelmed me. I wont embarrass them by naming them but I do want to thank them once again. So if you read my blog, a sincerest thanx!
Ordinarily, I would have turned down the offer. In my life, with the exception of my children, gifts have come with caveats so I got used to turning them down. In the past it was an, “I’ll love you if,” or, “I’ll give you this if you do that,” or, “I’m giving this to you but it really belongs to us both,” type of gifting. In the past, I’ve turned down many many gifts that I really really wanted or needed! I was in such shock being presented with this gift that, the thought of turning it down never entered my mind. I was blind-sided. I am accustomed to being the giftor, not the giftee. Jajaja, spell check is telling me that those aren’t words but I’ll leave them there anyway. This gift was given from the heart through God, there were no caveats attached only a simple attitude of we see a need and we’re happy to help, God told us to help. My benefactors left that very afternoon, not giving me the chance to say, “thank you but no thank you.” Again, God works in mysterious ways. I am very happy to not have turned them down! It has provoked thought, and it’s a great gift.
After a week of mulling over my emotions, I brought out the gift. I have so much difficulty with this. The feelings run the gambit from … “is it really mine?” … to … “I should give it back,” … to … “wow, how kind, how caring of them, this is not the norm for me.” I find it so easy to give, but impossible to receive. Today, I’m still in shock but it’s wearing off a little. I am grateful to have been in shock. That gave me time to come to terms with a lot of feelings and to open up the doors to come to terms with a lot of other feelings. Why do I have a hard time receiving? Simple, I’ve either been presented with caveats or have not felt worthy. The caveats are easy to stop, easy to deal with. The lack of self worth that caveats foster, that’s a little harder to deal with.
Many people may not or do not find me worthy. Mostly that’s from their own assumptions. Too many would say, “she’s not worthy,” rather than say to themselves, “gee why do I feel that she’s not worthy, that’s not my place to judge whatever issue, maybe, just maybe there’s an explanation,” or, “maybe, just maybe we should actually ask her the 5 W’s and a how … (who, where, what, why, when).” I try to live by the latter. My daughter taught me, “don’t react, give yourself time to investigate the material, process the material, evaluate the situation, and form an educated response.” Smart lady! I readily admit that she’s 1000 times the person that I am. I’m good, but she’s way beyond good with this stuff! I am a work in progress.
So, if God finds me worthy and loves me, and I’m told he does, if Jesus does as well, and again, I’m told he does, then, I should too! And if they do … then it matters not if others don’t.
We all have worth!
We all deserve to have our basic needs met.
We all deserve to be loved.
And something no one ever says, we all deserve the opportunity to love in return.
To be loved, and to love … unconditionally. Therein lies the balance of life. My aunt taught me that. She loved all unconditionally … I think, dear Alice, it is time for you and I, even though you are passed, to sit together and have a beer, and toast the heavens … you were the hippest nun ever! The world misses you, Africa misses you, and I miss you. We need to chat!
Listen to the palms…
© Loca Gringa and https://locagringa.wordpress.com